An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you
want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A
senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn
gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The
woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car
and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is
quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving
license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't
have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

(Feel free to keep adding to this thread

Two men are driving through Wisconsin when they get pulled over by a State Trooper. The cop walks up and taps on the window with his nightstick. The driver rolls down the window and WHACK, the cop smacks him in the head with the stick.
"What the hell was that for?" the driver asks.

"You're in Wisconsin, son," the trooper answers. "When we pull you over, you better have your license ready when we get to your car."

"I'm sorry, officer," the driver says, "I'm not from around here."

The trooper runs a check on the guy's license--he's clean--and gives the guy his license back. The trooper then walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down the window and WHACK, the trooper smacks him on the head with the nightstick.

"What'd you do that for?" the passenger asks.

"Just making your wish come true," replies the trooper.

"Making WHAT wish come true?" the passenger asks.

"Because I know," the trooper says, "that two miles down the road you're gonna turn to your buddy and say, 'I wish that ******* would've tried that crap with me!"

Why Men Can't Win

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her. If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it's exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your ass and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favoritism. If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment. If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

If you cry, you're a wimp. If you don't, you're insensitive.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist pig, you bastard. If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination. If she asks you, it's a favor.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain. If you don't, you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you're after something. If you don't, you're not thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements, you're an egotist. If you're not, you're not ambitious.

If she has a headache, she's tired. If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore, and you must be sleeping around.

An angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar. "I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o'clock in the morning?"

"There is," he replied. "Breakfast."

An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up. The
doctor asked him how he was feeling and the 80-year-old said, "Things
are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride
who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then replied,"I
have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never
misses a season. One day when he was getting ready to go hunting, he
was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane
instead of his gun. As he neared a lake he came across a very large
male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun
at home and so couldn't shoot the magnificent creature but out of
habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his
favorite hunting rifle and went 'Bang, bang!!!' Miraculously, two
shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.

Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.
The 80-year-old said, "If you ask me, I'd say somebody else pumped a
couple of rounds into that beaver."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly

A English lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a South African copper He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from London and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop.

He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the SAF cops expense!!

The cop says,' License and registration, please.'

London Lawyer says, 'What for?'

SAF cop says, 'You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign.'

London Lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'

SAF cop says, 'You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please.'

London Lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'

SAF cop says, 'The difference is, you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!'

London Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'

SAF cop says, 'Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.'

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle. The SAF cop takes out his baton and starts beating the daylights out of the lawyer and says...

'Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?'

http://www.caliberforumz.com/images/misc/progress.gif

These are great!!!! I am LMAO!!!! Keep them coming!:smileup:

The Lone Ranger is ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party.
The Indian Chief proclaims: "So you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the Harvest Festival you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?"
"I'd like to speak to my horse," responds the Lone Ranger.
The Chief nods, and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear. The loyal horse then gallops away.
Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
The next morning the Chief admits he is impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?"
Again, the Lone Ranger asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon.
Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
The following morning the Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow. What is your last request?"
"I'd like to speak to my horse again, alone," the Lone Rangers replies.
The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is once again brought to the Lone Ranger's tend. Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square n the eyes and says, "Listen carefully you stupid ass, for the last time, I said: BRING POSSE!!"
__________________

These are actual quotes taken from Federal Government employee performance evaluations:


1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig."

2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."

3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."

4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

5. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."

6. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

9. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."

10. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."

11. "A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."

12. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."

15. "He's been working with glue too much."

16. "He would argue with a signpost."

17. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."

18. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."

19. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."

20. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."

21. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."

22. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."

23. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."

24. "He's got two brains cells, one is lost and the other is out looking for it."

25. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."

26. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."

27. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."

28. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."

29. "One neuron short of a synapse."

30. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."

31. "Takes him 2 hours to watch '60-minutes'."

32. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead

The Post Office just recalled their latest stamps.
They had pictures of lawyers on them, and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer?
She has an uncontrollable craving for baloney.

How does an attorney sleep?
First he lies on one side, and then he lies on the other.

How many lawyer jokes are there?
Only three. The rest are true stories.

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
How many can you afford?

How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to climb the ladder, one to shake it, and one to sue the ladder company.

If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could save only one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

What did the lawyer name his daughter?
Sue.

What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers?
Skeet.

What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
Senator.

What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
Your honor.

What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?
His partners.

What does a lawyer use for birth control?
His personality.

What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer?
Nothing. There are some things a pig won't do.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.

Why does California have the most lawyers in the country while New Jersey has the most toxic waste sites?
New Jersey got first choice.

You're in a locked room w/ a rattlesnake, an aligator, and a lawyer. You have a revolver w/ only 2 bullets. Which do you shoot?
The lawyer; twice.

A mother was sitting on the couch reading a book when one of her children walked up to her and said, "Mummy, why is my name Petal?"
The mother replied, "Because when you were born, a petal fell on your head."

The next baby walked up and asked, "Mummy why is my name Rose?" she replied,

"Because when you were born, a rose fell on your head."

The last baby walked up to her and said, "BLAS CLAFLAS YIFRASSAM TASSM POONNFFFIINRTY."

The mother replied, "Please be quiet, Refrigerator."

A cruise ship going through some rough waters and ended up sinking just
off the coast of a small deserted island. There were only three survivors
- two men and a woman.

The three lived there for a couple of years doing what was natural for men
and women.

After several years of casual sex all the time, the girl felt really bad
about what she had been doing. She felt having sex with both guys was so
bad that she killed herself.

It was very tragic, but the two guys managed to get through it and, after
a while, nature once more took it's inevitable course.

Well, a couple more years went by and the guys began to feel absolutely
horrible about what they were doing.


So...


They buried her.

At 85 years of age, Wally married Lou Anne, a lovely 25 year old. Since her new husband is so old, Lou Anne decides that after their wedding she and Wally should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities, Lou Anne prepares herself for bed, and the expected 'knock' on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Wally, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Wally takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Lou Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Wally. Again he is ready for more 'action'. Somewhat surprised, Lou Anne consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Wally kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha... you guessed it, Wally is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more 'action'. And, once again they enjoy each other. But as Wally gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Wally.'

Wally, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lou Anne and says: 'You mean I was here already?'

The moral of the story: Senior moments have their advantages.

10 RULES FOR THANKSGIVING DINNER AT MY HOUSE
1. Don't get in line asking questions about the food. "Who made the potato salad? Is it egg in there? Are the greens fresh? Is the meat in the greens turkey or pork? Who made the macaroni and cheese? What kind of pie is that? Who made it? Ask one more question and I will punch you in your mouth, knocking out all your fronts so you won't be able to eat anything.

2. If you can't walk or are missing any limbs, sit yourbutt down until someone makes your plate for you. Dinner time is not the time for you to be independent. Nibble on them pecans and walnuts to hold you over until someone makes you a plate.

3. If you have kids under the age of twelve, I will escort their littlebutts to the basement and bring their food down to them. They are not gonna tear my house up this year. Tell them that they are not allowed upstairs until it's time for Uncle Butchie to start telling family stories about their mommas and papas. If they come upstairs for any reason except for that they are bleeding to death, I willtear their butts up and you better not ask why!

4. There is going to be one prayer for Thanksgiving dinner! JUST ONE! We do not care that you are thankful that your 13 year old daughter gave birth to a healthy baby or your nephew just got out of jail. The time limit for the prayer is one minute. If you are still talking after that one minute is up, you will feel something hard come across your lips and they will be swollen for approximately 20 minutes.

5. Finish everything on your plate before you go up for seconds! If you don't, you will be asked to stay your greedybutthome next year!

6. BRING YOUR OWN TUPPERWARE!! Don't let me catch you fixing yourself a plate in my good Tupperware knowing that I will never see it again! Furthermore, if you didn't bring anything over, don't let me catch you making a plate period or it will be a misunderstanding. And why are you making plates before you eat? You never bring a dish or offer a dime do you?

7. What you came with is what you should leave with!! Do not leave my house with anything that doesn't belong to you. EVERYBODY WILL BE SUBJECTED TO A BODY SEARCH COMING AND GOING OUT OF MY DOMAIN!!!

8. Do not leave your kids so you can go hopping from house to house. This is not a DAYCARE CENTER! There will be a kid-parent roll call every ten minutes. Any parent that is not present at the time of roll call, your child will be put outside until you come and get him or her. After 24 hours, I will callCPS!

9. BOOK YOUR HOTEL ROOM BEFORE YOU COME INTO TOWN!! There will be no sleeping over at my house! You are to come and eat dinner andgo home or to your hotel room. EVERYBODY GETS KICKED OUT AT 11:00 pm. You will get a 15 minute warning bell ring.

10. Last but not least! ONE PLATE PER PERSON!! This is not a soup kitchen. I am not trying to feed your family until Christmas dinner! You will be supervised when you fix your plate. Anything over the appropriate amount will be charged to you before you leave. There will be a cash register at the door. Thanks to Cousin Alfred and his greedy family, we now have a credit card machine! So VISA and MASTERCARD are now being accepted. NO FOOD STAMPS OR ACCESS CARDS YET!

I know I have people at my job like a few of these... enjoy
19

20

21

22

23

24

25

26

A cruise ship going through some rough waters and ended up sinking just
off the coast of a small deserted island. There were only three survivors
- two men and a woman.

The three lived there for a couple of years doing what was natural for men
and women.

After several years of casual sex all the time, the girl felt really bad
about what she had been doing. She felt having sex with both guys was so
bad that she killed herself.

It was very tragic, but the two guys managed to get through it and, after
a while, nature once more took it's inevitable course.

Well, a couple more years went by and the guys began to feel absolutely
horrible about what they were doing.


So...


They buried her.


ROFL... Classic... :D

Holy Land... Classic...:5700293539:
27

Holy Land... Classic...:5700293539:
27

LOL! Never heard that one before!

a friend found this on an Audi forum, too funny not to share
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hey guys, I've got a 98 1.8T. I've had a k04 and chip for a while and wanted to get more performance. I was recommended to port and polish the intake and exhaust. We found out they used abrasive material to do it like gritty sand. So I got with my friend that tunes Hondas and we decided to try it ourselves. We got a bag of sandblasting sand and hooked up into the intake and started the car. We had to hold the gas so it would run. He wanted to let the engine suck in the sand through the intake so it would port it out and then push it out the ehxaust so it would port the exhaust manifold.
I was worried that it might cause problems but he figured it'd be OK as long as we didn't make boost and it get sucked in the turbo. After running the car and letting it suck in sand we got about half way through a 25 lb bag. The check engine light was on and the engine was bucking and kicking and sounding really weird. We stopped and hooked the car back up normal and took off the sand supply. We tried to start it again and it was really hard. Once started it couldn't idle and kept making weird noises. We took it out and drove it and it started to make scraping and knocking noises.
Help! Can anyone tell me what to do! My buddy only does Hondas so he doesn't know much about Audis.

And the followup:

Things aren't right. I went down there to help during part of the day and things went good. They said the head was ok, but the block was no good. They had the 1.8 from a bad timing belt job they rebuilt for me and stuck in the car. Everything seemed to go fine. They blew out sand from the exhaust, turbo, intercooler and everywhere. It took them awhile I guess.
The problem is now when they start the car, it's making a different knocking/clunking noise and a scraping noise at the same time. It seems to change with engine RPMs. We looked over everything and couldn't find a problem. When we looked back in the parts bin we used from the car I found this. No one seems to have any clue what it is or where it is from. Can anyone help here? Should I stop driving again?

naturally, he got flamed for this. I don't know if anyone ever found out if it was real or not.
the original link: http://forums.audiworld.com/a4/msgs/1567770.phtml (http://forums.audiworld.com/a4/msgs/1567770.phtml)
this pic is from his profile:
http://pictureposter.audiworld.com/53045/oildrain.jpg

a friend found this on an Audi forum, too funny not to share
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hey guys, I've got a 98 1.8T. I've had a k04 and chip for a while and wanted to get more performance. I was recommended to port and polish the intake and exhaust. We found out they used abrasive material to do it like gritty sand. So I got with my friend that tunes Hondas and we decided to try it ourselves. We got a bag of sandblasting sand and hooked up into the intake and started the car. We had to hold the gas so it would run. He wanted to let the engine suck in the sand through the intake so it would port it out and then push it out the ehxaust so it would port the exhaust manifold.
I was worried that it might cause problems but he figured it'd be OK as long as we didn't make boost and it get sucked in the turbo. After running the car and letting it suck in sand we got about half way through a 25 lb bag. The check engine light was on and the engine was bucking and kicking and sounding really weird. We stopped and hooked the car back up normal and took off the sand supply. We tried to start it again and it was really hard. Once started it couldn't idle and kept making weird noises. We took it out and drove it and it started to make scraping and knocking noises.
Help! Can anyone tell me what to do! My buddy only does Hondas so he doesn't know much about Audis.

And the followup:

Things aren't right. I went down there to help during part of the day and things went good. They said the head was ok, but the block was no good. They had the 1.8 from a bad timing belt job they rebuilt for me and stuck in the car. Everything seemed to go fine. They blew out sand from the exhaust, turbo, intercooler and everywhere. It took them awhile I guess.
The problem is now when they start the car, it's making a different knocking/clunking noise and a scraping noise at the same time. It seems to change with engine RPMs. We looked over everything and couldn't find a problem. When we looked back in the parts bin we used from the car I found this. No one seems to have any clue what it is or where it is from. Can anyone help here? Should I stop driving again?

naturally, he got flamed for this. I don't know if anyone ever found out if it was real or not.
the original link: http://forums.audiworld.com/a4/msgs/1567770.phtml (http://forums.audiworld.com/a4/msgs/1567770.phtml)
this pic is from his profile:
http://pictureposter.audiworld.com/53045/oildrain.jpg



LOL...some people should just ride pedal bikes me thinks!

Girls Night Out

Why females should avoid girls night out after they are married:

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight. "I promise!" were my last words.

Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3:00 a.m. and a bit loaded, we piled into a cab and headed for our respective homes. Just as I got through the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Realizing my husband would probably wake up, I quickly cuckooed another 9 times. I was particularly proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution to cover my tardiness. (Even when totally smashed! 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos. MIDNIGHT!)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him midnight. He didn't raise an eyebrow or anything and continued to read the morning paper. Whew! Got away with that one!

Then he said, "I think we might need a new cuckooclock."

When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh, ****," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, then tripped over the coffee table and farted."

LOL, Classic... marriage... :-(

It was really funny. Instead of telling please ask proof of everything.

SCUBA naked......... things look bigger underwater
I got new SCUBA gear for my wife...... it was a good trade

Dear Abby,

My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the
beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What's
worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating.

Also, since he lost his job eight years ago, he hasn't even looked
for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and
B.S. with his buddies while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our
daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me
and hints that I may be a lesbian. What should I do?

Signed: Clueless















-------------













Dear Clueless,

Grow up and dump him. Good grief, woman - you don't need him
anymore! You're a United States Senator from New York running for
President of the United States. Act like one.

LOL... That one brought a smile to my face...

After Chelsea returned from a date, Hillary asked her if she had a good time.

Chelsea replies she had a wonderful time and she thinks she's in love.

Hillary then asks, 'You didn't have sex, did you?'

Chelsea replies, 'Not according to Dad.'

Why I fired my secretary....


Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone ' Happy Birthday.'

I thought...Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids... They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, 'Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday ! ' It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch,
just you and me.' I said, 'Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go !'

We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead at a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Jane said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We ?'

I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind ?' She said, 'Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner.'

After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, ' Boss, if you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back.' 'Ok.' I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out
carrying a huge birthday cake ... Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends
and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'.


And I just sat there...









On the couch...






Naked.

The life-ling dream of a little fish was to become a radio announcer, but the day of his debut, he went on the air...and died!